Alright. So we’ve reached my birthday. Today I turn the big 3-0. Thirty flirty and thriving. That’s what they say right? Well my thirtieth trip around the sun is off to a weird start. I mean who could have guessed when I started this that I would be cancelling Vegas and starting thirty mostly alone in my apartment? Definitely not me! It was all planned out, but here we are.
So what does thirty mean to me? What does it mean to anyone? And what am I leaving behind in my twenties?
It’s that last question that is the most important in my opinion. The habits and bad decisions that I made in my twenties that I’m definitely not going to miss. Don’t get me wrong, I had a lot of fun in my twenties. There was a lot that I think I got right in my twenties. But it was a time of figuring out who I am and who I want to be.
Some habits I will be trying to leave behind? How about trying to hard to get other’s approval. I think I’m going to dedicate my thirties to doing what feels right for me, not what I think will please everyone else. Or picking at my nails. Or over analyzing what I’m doing. I think I need to try to live more spontaneously.
Things I am going to try to do in my thirties are be better about standing in my light and being my most authentic self. And taking better care of myself mind, body, and soul. I’m going to chase my dreams and make some goals on how to get there. I am going to try to eat less popcorn and more kale. And most of all, I’m going to try all that life puts in front of me with more passion than fear.
And then there’s the big goals that I have for the next decade of my life. Things that I would love to do and really want to achieve, but also acknowledge that life throws curve balls and it might not be possible. I would love to be a mom, own a condo (I live in one of the most expensive cities in the world. It wont be a house for sure), be married, and have all the family things ironed out and laid before me. But above all of that, I want to be a better me. To wake up in the morning and have my routine down, to know where my career is headed, and to be well on my way to my goals there.
As I write this I’m realizing that I have a lot of work ahead of me to make my thirties everything I want it to be, so wish me luck! I may not have it all figured out, but at least I’m working on it.
For me, birthdays are a big deal. It’s the one day a year where you can feel extra special. A day where you’re important. A day to celebrate you. So this year I had it all planned. Why not celebrate thirty in Vegas? We had it all booked, there was going to be 8 of us going down to Vegas and we were meant to leave tomorrow.
Then COVID happened.
The world stopped. And so, naturally, the trip had to be cancelled. There were flights to be cancelled, hotels to be cancelled, excursions to be cancelled. It was an awful feeling letting go of a weekend that I was so excited for. One that I had been looking forward to for months. I’ve never been to Las Vegas before so it was going to be the trip of a lifetime. Letting go of that in favour of people feeling like they were going to be able to remain healthy and avoid the fast spreading virus was important to me, but I struggled for several days before making the call. I’m glad that I did when I did because at least the choice was mine, not the government’s (as would have been the case if I’d waited a week).
Giving up Vegas has left me with a lot of feels. Especially staring down a milestone birthday that I don’t feel ready for. Ringing in my thirties surrounded by people I care about was really important to me, and that was taken away rather suddenly. It’s hard not to be a little bitter about it. And really, I am a little bitter about it. But at the same time I’m trying to be grateful. And I am… Kind of. I’m grateful that no one who was to be on the trip is sick, I’m grateful that I’ll still get to go on my trip at some point, and I’m grateful that things aren’t worse than they are where I live.
So I’m trying to practice gratitude this week, when I am looking at the things that were and are important to me falling away. I still hope to make a big deal about my birthday this year, and will probably spend much of it reflecting on my twenties and thinking about what I want my thirties to be. Hopefully I’ll be able to celebrate with friends on Zoom, have a beer and maybe some cake with the people who are important to me, even if it’s from a distance.
I’m disappointed that I’m not going on my trip for my birthday this year, which feels like a massive understatement, but I’m hopeful that it will be made a big deal of in light of the disappointment. We’ll have to wait and see what happens in the next few days!